It is cold as hell, well cold enough for a Texas winter. That is to say that I can remember walking from his front door and towards my car and my cheeks which just prior to walking outside were red from blushing, were hit by the blast of freezing air, instantly chilling them. I like to think, actually I wish I could, remember everything about that night, that I could remember how every single possible detail was, much like they do in all of the books and novels, but I know that I only remember the end of that night. It sounds cliché I know, and trust me I am the poster card for a hopeless romantic , but seriously it was unforgettable. I knew walking out of his front door that that moment was about to happen. The one that every girl plays over and over in their head trying to practice how to handle the situation. Depending on how the evening goes that is. If the night ended well the gentlemen is supposed to kiss you goodnight (a light kiss none of this tongue down your throat trying to be romantic) sort of like in The Wedding Singer when Drew Barrymore’s character is describing what type of kiss that she will do at her wedding. She says “church tongue”, not that I would ever think of tonguing in a church, but this is beside the point, this all occurs if the date ends well. And if the date does not go according to plan, the girl tries to ration out a fair and reasonable reason for why she “doesn’t believe in kissing on the first date”. And it was that moment, and the sad thing was, I was at a loss of if it was a good first date or not, or was it even a date to begin with. We agreed to meet up one weekend when we both went back home from college, the word date was thrown around, but was it really a date? My thoughts began to clutter as I walked closer and closer to my car. It felt like I was going so slow, even though I had to have been practically running to get out of the cold night air. And then that is when the awkward moment happened. We both were standing outside of my car and we were talking. Not anything in depth, but the obvious, the only reason that we are talking is because we are both too nervous to make a move. In my mind I remember thinking “seriously…I guess this isn’t going to happen.” So I decided to get into my car and atleast let it start running to heat the seats up. He looked confident and chill, whereas I was a mess, least in my head I was. I was nervous, hurt, and so upset that nothing was going to happen. I had been waiting for this moment since I was a junior and high school and here we were 3 years later on an unofficial official date and I was going to leave without any clarity on the matter. I remember being entirely frustrated and trying not to let it show and just keep the conversation going. Alas, I came to the conclusion that nothing was going to happen so I buckled my seatbelt as I was talking to him, and shifted my car out of park, and into drive. I then remember clicking my night lights on and turning to tell him that I had had a great time tonight, when I only got the first word out. It had happened. He had kissed me. And it was everything that I could have EVER imagined. The moment was so perfect, that is until I let go of the brake and I hit him in the head with my car….
I don’t have many friends that are on facebook that are on here so I am guessing that it is better to vent it all out right here….I have a jealousy issue with the title of my “post” I wish I could…and I know it is smarter to wait…but it is becoming more difficult with the more people that I know becoming engaged….I want that. :(
Ah, so last night I had a moment of slight clarity, I am good looking and I at the place that most women would kill for. So..why complain? I decided to look at the good instead of the bad in myself, although difficult it is what I MUST do.
Last Night: Lean Cuisine. Yummmm. And only 480 calories.
-Breakfast: One small bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, and a small glass of Orange Juice.
-Lunch: Organic Fruit Strip & Snacks, SMALL (crumbs) of my Wheat Thin whole grain chips, and a Whole Grain Black Forest Ham and Cheese sandwich with a Capri Sun…
Drinking water now…I also have a snack but I am trying to not eat it just yet.
Feeling good about myself…so much so that I purchased a Victoria’s secret bathing suit last night. My BIG swim purchase for this year! :)
Just finished up the school day and now I am at work. I just walked in and had a HUGE talk with some of the ladies I work with. I told them how I felt, and we determined that it would be a good idea to pray the prayer of serenity. I also have become aware that I am on a journey of self confidence and assurance. It was also very comforting to know that I am not alone in the sense that I am not comfortable in my own skin…
Lunch: One Capri Sun, a whole grain (black forest ham & cheese) sandwich, and some whole grain wheat thin chips.
So I have officially decided that I should start blogging everyday…use it as a venting device of some sort. Regardless this needs to be done so that way I can keep up with my weight stuff and everything else. I am supposed to go and weigh myself for my first weigh in and I am terrified. My trainer, “j” as h will be called, told me to write it down ONCE and not look at it again. This will be hard since I am overly critical of myself. But I got to weigh myself and it reads, 138. This is about 15 lbs more than I weighed in high school…I don’t exactly understand how that happened, but I am determined to get skinnier. The main issue is that I think that I am close to losing someone if I keep dissing myself, so I need to gain confidence as well. “j” says that this will be easier if I stop comparing myself to other people…I am hoping that he is right. I need to be confident and self assured of myself, for my own sake…this is my first entry.
Weigh In: 138 lbs.
Breakfast: A small glass of orange juice, and a small bowl of honey nut cheerios.
I will post dinner and workout later.
Seriously starving and actually wanted to go out to dinner…too bad everyone in Huntsville is gone.